A Little Help

Shortly after deciding to memorize scripture passages this year, I decided I could use a little help. I like using my driving time (which I seem to have more of now that my children have growing social lives) to learn and recite the verses. It didn't take long to realize that I would join the ranks of dangerous drivers if I tried to peak at my Palm device to check if I was getting the words right or tackle a new sentence. Visual help was not an option while driving!

I already have the bible in audio version for listening but not in the version I favour for memorizing. It doesn't matter what version you use so long as it's understandable to you, but most people tend to find a favorite. I just wanted my audio bible to match the visual text that I have in my Palm Bible program. Shawn & Paris have become my judges when I am ready to recite a passage and they are strict. If I say the slightest word wrong, I hear about it even though they grudging admit that I got the majority of the wording correct!

In the New Year, I ordered the audio bible in the New Living Translation and excitedly waited for it to arrive. When it did, I was disappointed to find that it wasn't word for word the same as my text at all! How could this be? It was only then that I found out that there was a newly revised NLT and that I had ordered the original one. This was more complicated than I had imagined. I din't even know there was a revised version of the NLT!

The company that sold me the audio bible was very gracious and allowed me to return my purchase with the promise to send me the product I needed. This took time and when I get focused on something, I struggle with being patient, but I had no choice but to wait. Sure enough it was delivered to my aunt's in the States but only the day after our last trip over. Now I would have to wait yet again til my next shopping trip which was another two weeks away. By this time, I had completely given up control of the situation.

Yesterday I was able to pick up my treasured purchase and today, after loading it onto my computer and later my Palm device am relieved that it is exactly what I had set out to buy. It only took two months!

I really like using audio as a complement to visual learning because I have a mind that tends to stray and the combination helps me stay tuned in. I may be that crazy driver that you see mumbling away with no-one in the car but at least my eyes will be on the road!

Sam-e and Me

From the beginning of this blog I have shared openly that I have been struggling with anxiety. In fact, this project of memorizing passages of scripture is not meant to be a display of spiritual prowess but rather the practical fight to regain peace of mind by filling it with truth.

I read today in my First Place Bible study book that "Anxiety is fear projected into the future. At it's root is a lack of trust in God's providence, protection and ongoing provision". I believe that definition is true. As a Christian of many years it is painful for me to admit that I have been battling this.

The good news is that meditating on scripture has helped quite a bit. I still have bad days as circumstances come up but for the first time I feel hopeful that I have found a solution and that after a year of this "medicine" I will see huge changes not only in my anxiety levels but in my behaviour and relationships as well.

You can imagine my upset then, when I woke recently from a nightmare struggling to breathe and experiencing chest pains. My first thought was that I was having a heart attack but since I am fit and have had tests prove that my heart is healthy I reasoned that it was more likely a panic attack. I don't get them often but after a near-death experience after the birth of my daughter, I had gotten a few panic attacks and knew what they felt like.
I woke Shawn and asked him to pray for me. He did and I tried to go back to sleep but the symptoms were very strong. I tried quoting the scripture passages and I searched my mind for the reason for such a severe onset of anxiety.
In the morning I was exhausted and disheartened. What was going on? Was it hormones? Had I opened the door to a spiritual attack? Was the battle against anxiety hopeless? I prayed for God to reveal the source of this unusually severe display of symptoms.
It came back to my remembrance that both my husband & I had taken a dose of Sam-e the day before. Sam-e is an over the counter pharmaceutical product advertised by a major big-box store in the States. It started out as a joke.

After a particularly crazy day at work my husband announced that he wanted me to buy him some Sam-e. What was that? He read the advertisement, "It restores your good mood naturally." I laughed and laughed and teased him about needing to have a good mood in the first place. We bought a bottle and I noticed that it claimed not only to boost your mood but it was also beneficial for joints. I've been having some knee trouble so I decided to try it too.
A warning on the label caught me by surprise. It had a warning that is associated with anti-depressant medication. Anti-depressant medications have a myriad of negative side-affects and are addictive so that is an avenue of anxiety relief I have refused to take. This couldn't be the same thing, I reasoned.
Yet, here I was having a physical reaction within 24 hours of taking only two capsules of the Sam-e. I said something to Shawn about my suspicions that the product we had tried had caused my malaise during the night. He doubted this because the bottle said it took a couple weeks to experience any benefits so it also had to be too early to experience side effects too. He felt fine. I am smaller than him, had just completed a food cleanse and am generally more sensitive so I decided to check out the Internet. Sure enough, I found that many people had the symptoms I had experienced after minimal doses. I was both relieved and concerned. How could a seemingly innocent over-the-counter product be so volatile? I had thought it was a harmless herbal supplement, but realized that it was not an herbal supplement at all.
This confirmed in me that the answer to my issue is not going to be found in a bottle. Not all that promises help and comfort, is beneficial. Memorizing & quoting scripture is free from negative side effects and more than ever I am convinced that we need to be mindful of what we put into our body.

Within two weeks of writing this blog, Shawn also had to discontinue the use of this product. He also began to wake troubled and unable to sleep. This is not characteristic of him at all and his sleep patterns returned to normal after a week of being off this product. We returned it to the store. Scary, huh?

Psalm 1

Psalm 1

Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers.

But they delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night.

They are like trees planted along the riverbank bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do.

But not the wicked! They are like worthless chaff, scattered by the wind.
They will be condemned at the time of judgement. Sinners have no place among the godly.
For the Lord watches over the path of the godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction.

This chapter of Psalms is only six short verses but it says so much. This is not a soothing poem of protection or a ballad of the virtue of love. This is about good and evil, reward and punishment. Lines are drawn.

When I read passages like this my hyper analytical thinking kicks in. I'd like to think that I am on the good side of these warnings and not the bad, but what if by God's definition, I fall into the category being wicked?
In these moments of reflection, I like to get the dictionary out and look at the definitions in question.

Here is what I found:

Wicked-Evil by nature and in practise
Sinner-One that sins or does wrong
Mocker-One who treats with ridicule or contempt;deride

Joys-Intense and especially ecstatic or exhultant happiness; To take great pleasure; rejoice
Delight-Great pleasure;joy;Something that gives great pleasure or enjoyment

The truth is that we all born with a wicked, sinful nature. Only by accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour and by submitting our life to Him can we become righteous. Are we the godly or the wicked? The answer to that is written in these verses as it describes the attributes of both.

I know these words have pierced my own heart and made me ponder my not-so-long-past behaviour. How hungry am I for God and what is the smell of my attitude-stinky or fragrant?

Living the Love

I was excited as I sat down to finalize my memorization of I Corinthians 13. This was the day I was intending to recite the whole passage to Shawn and that meant I could proceed with purchasing the "I Love You" Pandora charm I had asked the shop to hold for me.
I was getting ready to go out and felt a punch of disappointment when I realized that my son was eating the last piece of salmon for breakfast. A few nights before, I had specifically asked my son to not eat any of the leftover salmon after his initial two pieces. This was because I was limited in my food choices during the food cleanse I was currently on and I would need the fish for my lunches. I knew he favored salmon and would eat it all up if I didn't ask him not to. I had given my request with a specific warning that he couldn't tell me he didn't know better because I was telling him very clearly. I did this with my husband looking on at the time.
"Trysten, why are you eating the salmon I asked you not to eat?"
"I asked Daddy and he said I could"
Both of them had apparently forgot my carefully delivered instructions and it was suggested to me that I write special requests like that on the fridge.
I wasn't impressed. I felt a burst of negative emotion that was deeper than the situation warranted, but I was struggling to manage it. Hadn't I just recited I Corinthians 13? Was I going to go ballistic on my family over a piece of salmon?
My family dispersed and as I went frantically around the kitchen trying to assemble a healthy breakfast and lunch I burst into tears.
What was wrong with me? I tried to dissect the emotions.

• I was frustrated because my son has developmental delays and he forgets things a lot. He's also got the very inherent human desire to get his own way. I feel torn between expecting the best from him despite his limitations and trying to understand that he has a genuine issue and needs grace from me.
• I was frustrated because as a mother, I am in tune with my families needs & desires but no-one seemed to be in tune with mine.
• I was frustrated because Trysten had asked me what we were having for breakfast and in my hurry I had told him, "Whatever you can find."
• I was frustrated because when I say things to and in proximity to my husband, he doesn't seem to hear or remember. He is busy and has a lot on his mind.
• I was frustrated because I was trying to make good food choices without anyone's help or support and it felt like there were too many obstacles.
• I was frustrated because I had made a mistake at work that wasted precious work time and now I had to go in on my Saturday to catch up on the work I didn't do.

I realized very quickly that the salmon had only been a trigger for a melting pot of frustration and I was glad I had guarded the reaction towards my family over it. Shawn apologized to me for forgetting and I explained what was going on in me. Working through this issue, we had both deliberately decided not to allow the wedge of dissension to pit us against each other. I would write down any future requests because we really do have so many things coming at us all the time and we all forget things that are important to each other.

I also realized that I need to be grateful.

• Yes, my son has delays but he is sweet, physically healthy, and he is improving all the time.
• My son dislikes most healthy foods but at least he really likes salmon!
• Yes, my family isn't as in tune with my needs but they still love me. I wasn't in tune with my mom's needs either.
• Yes, we're busy and sometimes our communication lines get crossed, but we love each other and if we are patient, we will find a better way.
• Men (in general) are naturally tuned out and need more help remembering what we say. At least my husband is willing to give me a method that works for him.
• At least I have the opportunity and means to buy healthy foods. With more practise, having them prepared & accessible will happen too.
• At least I caught my mistake before it caused disaster, it was fixed and I had a job to go to.

Love doesn't ensure perfect circumstances but it does help us get through difficult ones.

It's Not About Me

I recently found myself sobbing in my husbands arms completely saturating the shoulder of his work shirt...not because anything bad had happened, but because some dear friends from my past reminded me of who I used to be.

An innocent status I had put on Facebook brought some generous recollections of my former fitness instructing career, how it was my calling and how I had impacted at least three women's lives by inspiring them to become fitness instructors too.

These positive words caught me by surprise and I thought my heart would literally break as my husband had read them aloud to me from the other room.

I'll admit, I loved fitness instructing. I enjoyed the music, the movement, the energy in the class, helping people begin and continue in fitness...it was a truly wonderful season of my life.

I also liked having a fit physique, having women surround me and tell me what a wonderful instructor I was, and hearing how I had motivated & inspired people to change their lives. The affirmation I received was like an intoxicating drug--I couldn't get enough of it.

I once had a woman come up to me after class and tell me that she had seen many instructors before and I had what it took to be one of the best. Another person shared with me that she overheard the girls in the locker room saying that they travelled across town just to take my classes opposed to taking ones closer to their homes.

Who wouldn't crave that kind of attention? Who wouldn't want to pursue a career they enjoyed and were considered to be gifted at?

I left my instructing career for practical reasons. Our financial situation demanded that I find full time employment and this was the one thing that fitness instructing was never able to give me.

It wasn't an instantaneous choice to become an administrator for a ministerial organization. It happened in the couple years following leaving my former career behind. I can say, however, that almost instantly I knew that I had found my new calling. I have a gift in taking big messes and organizing them. The office I inherited had been through a lot of transition and it needed someone to care enough to sort it all out.

My new calling has it's challenges but I honestly get up every day content, if not outright happy, to go to work. I also work in a very affirming environment and get plenty of recognition for what I do in addition to the financial compensation.

So why the tears? I wasn't really sure. My dear husband was ready to find a better-paying job that would allow me to leave my full time employment and return to my previous passion of fitness instructing. For a moment I was tempted to take him up on his offer.

I realized that morning that there was no going back and I knew if I tried, it wouldn't be the same. My life has become something bigger than it once was and I knew I couldn't walk away from what I had started. I now have the opportunity to serve God, my father, the directors and 500+ members of our ministerial organization. Who would love them and do all the unseen but important things I do if I left?

This was when it hit me, it's not about me any more. No-one may ever give me personal credit for changing their life because I kept my files in order and collected & processed the membership renewals on time. I wasn't going to have women surrounding me telling me how wonderful my organization skills are and begging for me to show them how I did it.

I dried my eyes, gave thanks for the opportunities & blessings I enjoyed in the past, and then turned to embrace my future knowing that it's about bringing glory to God and serving others now. That is love too.

Under Cover

This blog relates both to Psalm 91 AND I Corinthians 13

The biggest test of my ability to love...and even my Christianity in general is in my marriage. I'd love to say that I have passed the tests but the truth is that I often fail and have to take them over and over again. After almost 18 years of marriage I believe that a glimmer of true godly love is being to grow in me. Can anyone say, "It's about time?"...that is anyone EXCEPT Shawn.
One area that has been key to my growth has been....swallow...the learning of submission & obedience. I would not even talk about this except that it has been both the most difficult, yet rewarding experience of my married life.

Most women chafe at the words submission and obedience and I have fought it with every part of my being, but through painful relinquishment of my "rights" and faith in God being true to His promises, I have been blessed in the most exquisite ways.

During our Total Money Makeover "Debt Snowball" (you'll have to read my blog on that subject) my husband & I experienced many financial miracles. I was not working for a two year period except for the meager earnings from my home business which was just beginning to grow. This season of my life was about complete dependence on God and the authority He has placed in my life, my husband Shawn.

I found out very quickly that I had complete tranquility when I endeavored to stay at peace with Shawn, but if I began to struggle against him, my peace would leave. If he left for work with a matter not settled between us, I would wrestle with my emotions all day until I called to apologize and get back into unity with him. In the middle of a disagreement I would catch myself challenging or railing against him and could literally feel the discontent and anger seething from me. Not wanting to lose the unity between us and the flow of blessings that we were experiencing, I would ask him to pray for me and he would.

There were times that we disagreed about purchases and I thought my heart would burst with the hurt and disappointment of not getting what I desired. More than once I cried tears of relinquishment and decided to be obedient to my husband only to have the finances miraculously appear that provided for my desires and continued us on our debt-reduction journey. I was convinced that our peace and unity was pleasing to God and was allowing His blessing to flow freely in our life.
Sometimes we forget what we have learned.
Major changes in our occupations and the many adjustments to those changes swept us into a turbulent period that was marked with many disagreements. We were both struggling and it showed in our relationship. Even though our heart was to serve God and continue on a right path, our spiritual life felt dry and the flow of blessings seemed interrupted. It wasn't all bad--there was a trickle, but nothing like the gushing of crazy, miraculous provision we had experienced before.
Our marital conflicts seemed endless. I questioned my husband's love, his character, and our compatibility. I complained about his treatment of me. None of those things improved our situation and my anxiety was growing.
This past December we had an altercation where I firmly believed that I was right and he was wrong. I felt passionately about this and was very sharp in my disagreement with him. Immediately my anxiety rose, I felt nauseated, experienced headaches and of course...cried quite a bit. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn't he be the husband he needed to be? Why did we fight all the time?
I finally took my misery to God and was quite shocked at the answers I was getting. I felt the Lord was very gently pointing out that He couldn't work on my husband because I was getting in the way. That if I held on to my "rights", I would not get the results I was looking for. That even though I thought I was right, I was actually wrong and would experience all sorts of negative things if I didn't repent and get back under my husband's authority.
These were hard things to hear. I was thinking, "Why am I always wrong...even when I'm right?" "Why don't you say these things to HIM?!" "Why do I have to be the one to give in?" I was broken though and knew that if I continued the path I was on, I would experience further hardship and pain.
I apologized to my husband for my behaviour and it was very humiliating. He wasn't to fond of me at the moment and didn't make the act of reconciliation easier for me. The funny thing is that I received a generous cheque in the mail that very day from an improbable source. I cried when I opened it and realized the implications. For me, this was not a co-incidence. I felt as though God was saying, "See, my daughter, I see you and I will bless you for your obedience. You are to be submit to your husband and I am responsible for the results."
I have been working very hard to continue in this path since that time. I have not fully mastered my challenging, mistrusting nature and my knee-jerk reaction to take matters into my own hands. Some days I get it quicker than others. What I have seen since that time is a re-gushing of blessing in my life. All sorts of unexpected income, re-newed peace between Shawn & I and most of all, a flourishing of my trust in God and His work in my life.

I've been taking the Under Cover class at WCF which helps define Biblical submission & obedience--what it is and what it is not. Even though I read the book some years ago and benefited from it, the class has really impacted me and made me realize how much power there is in authority and those who are under it's protection. (Psalm 91)

I Corinthians 13

With February being the month of love as we celebrate Valentine's Day, I thought I Corinthians 13 would be a great selection. No problem with finding a Pandora charm with a heart/love theme!

This is a classic portion of scripture that is read at many weddings. It is the ultimate standard of what love is and it is clear that it is esteemed beyond all other spiritual gifts.

I Corinthians 13
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.
If I had the gift of prophesy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith so that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing.
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way, it is not irritable, and keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Prophesy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless but love will last forever!
Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophesy reveals only part of the whole picture!
But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Now we see see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

It became clear that not only would this passage be a challenge due to it's literary flow, but also because it was like holding a perfect measure to my own behaviour and seeing how very much I lack in the love department!