One area that has been key to my growth has been....swallow...the learning of submission & obedience. I would not even talk about this except that it has been both the most difficult, yet rewarding experience of my married life.
Most women chafe at the words submission and obedience and I have fought it with every part of my being, but through painful relinquishment of my "rights" and faith in God being true to His promises, I have been blessed in the most exquisite ways.
During our Total Money Makeover "Debt Snowball" (you'll have to read my blog on that subject) my husband & I experienced many financial miracles. I was not working for a two year period except for the meager earnings from my home business which was just beginning to grow. This season of my life was about complete dependence on God and the authority He has placed in my life, my husband Shawn.
I found out very quickly that I had complete tranquility when I endeavored to stay at peace with Shawn, but if I began to struggle against him, my peace would leave. If he left for work with a matter not settled between us, I would wrestle with my emotions all day until I called to apologize and get back into unity with him. In the middle of a disagreement I would catch myself challenging or railing against him and could literally feel the discontent and anger seething from me. Not wanting to lose the unity between us and the flow of blessings that we were experiencing, I would ask him to pray for me and he would.
There were times that we disagreed about purchases and I thought my heart would burst with the hurt and disappointment of not getting what I desired. More than once I cried tears of relinquishment and decided to be obedient to my husband only to have the finances miraculously appear that provided for my desires and continued us on our debt-reduction journey. I was convinced that our peace and unity was pleasing to God and was allowing His blessing to flow freely in our life.Sometimes we forget what we have learned.
Major changes in our occupations and the many adjustments to those changes swept us into a turbulent period that was marked with many disagreements. We were both struggling and it showed in our relationship. Even though our heart was to serve God and continue on a right path, our spiritual life felt dry and the flow of blessings seemed interrupted. It wasn't all bad--there was a trickle, but nothing like the gushing of crazy, miraculous provision we had experienced before.
Our marital conflicts seemed endless. I questioned my husband's love, his character, and our compatibility. I complained about his treatment of me. None of those things improved our situation and my anxiety was growing.
This past December we had an altercation where I firmly believed that I was right and he was wrong. I felt passionately about this and was very sharp in my disagreement with him. Immediately my anxiety rose, I felt nauseated, experienced headaches and of course...cried quite a bit. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn't he be the husband he needed to be? Why did we fight all the time?
I finally took my misery to God and was quite shocked at the answers I was getting. I felt the Lord was very gently pointing out that He couldn't work on my husband because I was getting in the way. That if I held on to my "rights", I would not get the results I was looking for. That even though I thought I was right, I was actually wrong and would experience all sorts of negative things if I didn't repent and get back under my husband's authority.
These were hard things to hear. I was thinking, "Why am I always wrong...even when I'm right?" "Why don't you say these things to HIM?!" "Why do I have to be the one to give in?" I was broken though and knew that if I continued the path I was on, I would experience further hardship and pain.
I apologized to my husband for my behaviour and it was very humiliating. He wasn't to fond of me at the moment and didn't make the act of reconciliation easier for me. The funny thing is that I received a generous cheque in the mail that very day from an improbable source. I cried when I opened it and realized the implications. For me, this was not a co-incidence. I felt as though God was saying, "See, my daughter, I see you and I will bless you for your obedience. You are to be submit to your husband and I am responsible for the results."
I have been working very hard to continue in this path since that time. I have not fully mastered my challenging, mistrusting nature and my knee-jerk reaction to take matters into my own hands. Some days I get it quicker than others. What I have seen since that time is a re-gushing of blessing in my life. All sorts of unexpected income, re-newed peace between Shawn & I and most of all, a flourishing of my trust in God and His work in my life.
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